Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
