I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
