I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
the condom got lost in my hair
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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