I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
you will always have a special place in my vag
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
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