I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
