I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
