I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
