True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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