Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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