Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
