She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
