I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
