How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
