HIV tests are more positive than that guy
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Don't tell me you're on acid again
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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