Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
