Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize