we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
