i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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