So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
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