Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Randomize
