I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
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