You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Too much gin, very little bucket
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Can you repeat that, but with context?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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