i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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