Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize