just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
