I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Randomize
