There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Randomize
