Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
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