On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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