omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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