Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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