I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
