if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
