who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Randomize
