Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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