So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I wear drunk well.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
