as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
