I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
