I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
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