i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
