I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
