woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize