Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
ttyl tear gas
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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