Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
