I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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