weddingsv make me drug and hornr
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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