Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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