I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
