I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
