so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
