1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
