Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
