She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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