Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I AM VODKA MAN
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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