it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
