2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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