I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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