yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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