life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
