Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
so let's talk penis.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
