i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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