We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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